Who let the dogs out
by keelgspelledbackwardsisgleek
Summary: Brittany and Santana hate each other, but they also secretly love each other and have forever. What will happen now? Okay, terrible summary, just read it. PleasE? Warning: Girl!Ruler.
1. Chapter 1

"_It's cold out there but it's warm in bed. They can dance, we'll stay home instead." - WHAM!_

**A/N: This is my first fanfiction! Please review! Please, please!**

"You're just a girl and a DYKE!" said a stupid Finn Hudson as he towered above Brittany with a lead pipe in the Billiard Room.

"I'm going to kick your ass!" Brittany Pierce told him as she pulled on the sleeves of her genuine leather jacket.

"Nuh uh, girl dyke!"

Brittany then kicks Finn's ass. Then she walks into O'Malley's and orders her usual. Even though she's only 17, the barkeep shoots a shot of whiskey down the bar. She catches and throws it back, feeling the hot liquid burn all the down her throat.

"Good shit, Rory," Brittany tells him. "Give me another one or I'll kick your fucking ass."

"Com'n roight up, thurr, Britt'ny."

She doesn't shoot the second shot. Instead she holds it in her hand between her thumb and pointer and gives it a little slosh. She spins around on her barstool, scanning the room for the lucky girl that's going to get to spend the night between her thighs.

She gasps when her eyes land on a 47 year old Latina in a black pencil skirt, matching blazer, and not a damn thing underneath.

Brittany gives her the come hither hook of her finger. And, because she's so skilled as mastering the ladies, the older woman is drawn to her like a moth to an underage flame.

"Hola," the dark stranger says. "Is that a 12 inch ruler in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"How 'bout you find out or I'll kick your ass."

After a lengthy session back at the Latina's two story suburban home, Brittany sneaks out the front door, and takes off into the night, just as she rounds the corner, a young Santana Lopez is pulling into the driveway, covered in goodness knows what, and heads straight for the shower.

"Santana, what is that all over you?"

"Duh, Mom, it's glitter, spunk, and the blood of my enemies."

"Oh," Maribel says without much interest. "Well, I wasn't having lesbian sex with a young blonde bomshell tonight, just in case you're wondering."

Santana wasn't wondering about that at all. She was wondering how to get past her mother with the bundles of plastic wrapped 20s taped to her underboob. Finally she was able to get past to her private bathroom. She got in the shower between the deer carcasses hanging from meat hooks and stuffed her 20s into her secret venison smelling hiding place. Then she enjoyed the hot, steamy water pounding down on her caramel skin. While she's soped off in the shower, she reaches below to her dripping wet lady parts and massaged gently thinking about the blonde at school that she absolutely hates. She came with a force that made the deer rumble.

At the same time, Brittany Pierce as met up with her trusty dog, Yodi the Beagle, and her moral compass.

"Love is an infinity that you'll never find while surrendering to short term pleasures, Brittany," Yodi says profoundly.

"Shut up, Yodi, or I'll kick your ass."

Early the next morning, Santana crept downstairs to the home gym where she takes out her built up frustration on the boxing bag, all the while imagining it was the leggy blonde from her English class, only wishing that instead of the feud that they're caught in the middle of, that she was gently caressing her 12" ruler that she's heard so much gossip about.

**FLASHBACK**

**9th Grade/ Santana P.O.V**

"OMG, Quinn, have you heard about the leggy blonde's dirty secret?"

"NO!," Quinn exclaimed. She leaned in further, desperate to hear the latest gossip, "What it is?"

"I heard," Santana looked around and lowered her voice, "she has...a 12 inch ruler."

"That's totally true," the blonde said. "I've seen it. She keeps it in her pocket. It's hard not to notice, especially when she's excited. She wears those skin tight jeans and all."

Santana rolled her eyes to Quinn, but inside she desperately wanted to see the centimeter dashes up close.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Santana pulled her Maserti into her usual parking spot.

From across the quad, Will Schuester watched her. "That's an awfully expensive car for a teenager."

Holly Holliday, the girl's accounting teacher, agreed. "It is," she said suspiciously.

Brittany strolls into English late, and loudly asks the class what she's missed, just as she is entering the room.

Santana sighs, "Only another reading of Romeo and Juliet. Apparently the greatest story ever told, but I'm yet to see proof"

"Good!" Brittany says, turns and walks out again, bag slung over her shoulder.

Santana, disappointingly looks at the only empty chair in the room, which was conveniently located next to hers. She had secretly been waiting for Brittany to show up in class, and possibly ask to borrow her pencil case, she was in desperate need of some measuring equipment.

**A/N: Don't forget to review!**


	2. Chapter 2

_"__Shoot me with those laser beams." - Frankie Goes to Hollywood_

"I'm going to go home and RELAAAAAX in my favorite shirt!" Santana tells Quinn at the end of a hard day's cheerleading practice.

"Don't do it!" Quinn says.

Santana really doesn't like lying to Quinn like she does but, she has too. Quinn has a moral compass. Literally. It's a moral compass with a little arrow and everything. North is Heaven and South is Hell. If Santana really tells her what she's doing, Quinn will give her a hard time.

"Quinn, if i really tell you what I'm doing, then you'll give me a hard time, and I don't wanna deal with that shit today. Now move bitch, get out the way."

Santana doesn't tell Quinn anything as she pushes past and disappears from site. She creeps past sues office to ensure she's gone home for the night, before grabbing the updated Cheerios contact list to text all her whores for her secret prostitution ring.

As she climbs down the stairs to the dusty basement, she meets her co-conspirators: Holly Holliday and MR. KIDNEY, the janitor.

"Where've you been, Lopez?" Holly asks. "I've got a lotta clients and no whores.

"Don't question me! Tina is on her way down now, so relax"

"Just because you're a top bitch at McKinley doenst mean your a top bitch in my Cheerios prostitution ring."

"I'm a top bitch everywhere, or will I have to show you the Lima Heights hospitality to prove it?" Santana exclaims when she stomps her foot.

"Fine," Holly says. "Do you have my books? I need to know what my profit shares are for the quarter."

"Of course, I do." Santana reaches under her cheerleading top and pulls out a clipboard. "I printed these for you."

Holly takes a look over the sheets, they don't seem to be even she thinks she should tell Santana, so she does just that.

"Are you sure these are right? I thought we were bringing in more money than that."

"Of course, they're right! Do you think I'm some kind of liar? You taught me everything I know anyway! Plus, Brittany Peirce's rival prostitution ring is really hurting our returns."

"Britney Pierce!?" Holly complains. "Her ring is full of 50 year sluts with chlamydia.

"Well, they get the grandmas for cheaper, and they have two for one Tuesday."

"Fine, I'll take care of Pierce then!" Mr. Kidney says.

"NO!" Santana says. She doesn't want Mr. Kidney taking care of Brittany. She wants to take care of Birttany. And not in the same way. Well, maybe in the same way. If Mr. Kidney wants to have a lot of hate sex with the leggy blonde. Then maybe it's the same way, but Brittany would never have hate sex with Mr. Kidney. He smells like garbage and she's a lesbian with a 12 inch ruler.

The three stop talking when they hear the door to the basement open, and snap their heads to the door to see who is on their way in.

Sighs of relief echo through the large room when the sound of chains rubbing against leather, and the clicking of heels against the concrete floor.

Tina at the helm of the small group of girls.

"Someone get me a man, I've had an itch that needs scratching all day long."

"There you go, Holly!" Santana says. "Tina is here. She's our top whore, so I'm out, bitch!"

Santana takes off to talk to her other partner in crime. William Q. Schuester. The Q is for Quintavio. Few people know that, but Santana does.

**A/N: Of course Santana knows that...how convenient for our story.**

Santana goes directly to the choir room where Will is waiting.

"Schuester," she says. "I need my cut asshole. I'm buying a special gift for my lady."

Santana was talking about the engagement ring she was buying for Brittany. Her and Brittany didn't like each other, but Santana really loved her. So what if they were only 17. She'd get her girl, no matter what.

"I don't have your money right now," Will said. "The Saturday night cock fights aren't until Saturday night."

"You better give me my money, Schuester!"

Santana knew Will had made a little extra, because while he kept the books for this particular business, she was keeping some books of her own, and her books were cooked. If you know what I mean. (She was stealing his money) And now you know what I meant. They were supposed to splitting the profits 50/50, but really Will was only getting 41%. How would he react when he found out? Santana definitely didn't want to find out. Not that Will was doing bad things with the money. He had his own reasons. But, after using all the profits to put on fancy light shows for the school's Glee Club, Sue had almost stumbled upon their scheme. What would happen when Sue found out? So many questions!

After Will still wouldn't give her any money, she pickpocketed him for the $32 in his pocket. She figured it would get her a meal at the local Taco Bell and a strawberry kiwi lime Tastee Freeze, so it was all good in the hood.

After she scarfed down her five bean burritos, she went home.

And by now you're wondering why her parents haven't noticed her odd sleeping hours, the strange company she keeps and the odd smells coming from the bathroom. Well her Mom is a top executive in a multinational corporation that deals with high class weaponry so she spends most of her time overseas. And her father spends all day in the shed watching Lost re-runs and repeating those numbers over and over until he falls asleep.

Her mom was actually home tonight, though. She was out back shooting in her homemade firing range testing new weaponry. She pressed her push button zipline and in flew her paper targets where she had shot the head 31 times right threw the brain. Every once in a while, she would shoot at the shed at Santana's father just to make sure he stayed paranoid.

Little did they know, Brittany Pierce was on the property. She got spooked by all the gunfire and jumped back over the fense. A piece of her genuine leather jacket was snagged by a stray nail, but she didn't have time to stop. She had a business to run!

Santana sees it, knows it belongs to britt and just thinks britts been hanging around, snooping for clues about prostitution ring, or perving on her.. Which is it?

**A/N: Stay tuned and Find OUT!**  
**What did you guys think? please review and let me know!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: TWO IN ONE DAY! You're so lucky! Just in case you havent read the first two chapters, here's what happened. Brittany and Santana hate each other, but really love each other. San is a top bitch Mckinley and Brit has a ruler.**

**Shout outs!**

**gleekymunky524 - I KNOW, RIGHT!**

**Butterknickers23lr - It's def. a luuuv story! Brittana are ENDGAME.**

**bellalovesdemilovato - OMG! I love Demi Lovato 2!**

**Loser_Like_Finn_Hudson_ - Thanx for ur PM. I'll think about it!**

_"__A cloud appears above your head." - Flock of Seagulls_

Brittany Pierce was awesome. She had a badass leather jacket. She had a hockey stick in her locker. And she had a 12 inch ruler. Brittany Pierce also had a lot of experience kicking ass. She didn't even stop to take names, that's how good she was at it.

You know what else Brittany had? CIA parents. Her mother and father were CIA operatives who were also double agents. They were currently in production on a super secret HBO special documentary about CIA operatives that were also double agents. They weren't just double agents. They were also CIA operatives.

One time, when she was only like ten, she even kicked Chuck Norris' ass.

FLASHBACK

"I hope you like to bend over, because I'm going to kick your ass," Brittany said to Chuck Norris right before she kicked his ass.

END OF FLASHBACK

**A/N: I know this was a shorter chapter, guys! More next time, okay. Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Lots of people have been asking why the story is Western. Because Lima is in Western Ohio. I thought that was clear. SORRY!  
**

**Shout Outs:  
**

**NightHoodies1 - I'm wearing my day hoodie right now! **

** blanche- I'm not sure what you just read, but I recommend anything by L. Ron Hubbard.  
**

**Naya's Boobs - I would like to stick my face between you.  
**

**On with the show, Joe.  
**

_"__All of the nights why did my lover have to pick last night to get down?" - The Bangles_

Brittany needed to kick somebody' ass tonight. She had a ruler and nothing to do with it. So, she did what she always does when she needs to kick someone's ass, she corners Figgins in a dark alley, with nowear to run. Tina, covered in glitter for the extra effect, had lead him there dressed as a vampire and he was afraid, and hid with a few cloves of garlic stuffed into his pockets.

"Ahhh! Vampires and teen lesbian!"

"Want to go shoe shopping? This way you can pick what I'm wearing when I kick your ass," Brittany asked a very frightened Fignewton Figgins.

"Please don't hurt me," Figgins yelled in fear. "We can work together for peace!"

"NO!" Brittany said. "I said I'm going to kick your ass and that's what I'm going to do." So she did just that.

Figgins pulled out his garlic and through it at her.

"I'm not a piece of buttered bread to be served with pizza!" Brittany chuckled to herself.

"Do you like mushrooms on your pizza?" Figgins asked as he held out his outdated Zack Morris phone. "You can order a pizza-pie on me!"

"Nah, I just want to order an ass-kickin' topped with my boot! It's the weekly special! I'll give you the deal. Two ass kickings for the price of one."

"That's not an achievement!" Figgins said making tight fists. "Not an achievement!"

"I'm about to milk you, old guy."

"That rumor is untrue!" Figgins screamed loudly enough to shake the windows in a nearby building, but not loudly enough to save him.

Brittany then popped a perfect roundhouse kick to his stomach, and booted him straight into the opposing wall before he barely had a chance to react. She watched as he crumpled to the floor, and started twitching before finally giving out.

He was dead. So she carried his body to the river. It only took twenty minutes. Oh well, not the first time she kicked ass so hard she killed a principal.

Achievement.

After she left the river, Brittany went to school because it was morning. She checked to make sure her ruler was in her pocket and she didn't lose it while she was murdering Figgins. It was. Cool. She had special jeans made for her special ruler. Her ruler almost never became dislodged.

When she walked into class, she saw Santana sitting in her usual seat. "What the hell are you doing in my seat?"

"I'm not in you seat, bitch!"

"Move or I'll kick you ass!"

"No, this is my assigned seat. It's in alphabetical order! Lafferty. Lopez. Luckett. It's been mine all year!"

"Get out!"

"No!" Santa screamed. She hated Brittany, but she also loved her. And she saw that Brittany's ruler was slipping out of her pocket, she was instantly turned on.

"Can I touch your ruler?" she asked. "I've been wanting to forever."

"What? You can't just ask a girl if you can handle her ruler!"

"Please."

"Okay," Britney said. "Sure."

Brittany gave Santana her ruler and Santana gasped with ecstacy. She'd never touched a ruler quite like this before. It was so long and hard. The feeling of the wood between her fingers was heavenly. Put three of these rulers together, you'd have a whole yard stick. The thought made her shudder.

"Let's do it," Brittany said. "Sex, I mean. When I say do it, I mean let's have lots of sex."

"Okay. I'm so glad we're going to have all the sex"

"Keep stroking my ruler and we'll have the sex you want."

Then they had hate sex in the nurses office all of 4th period. Except that few minutes that Brittany stopped to smoke and beat the nurse's ass.

**A/N: Brittana is SO ON! Did you like it? Review! Does anyone have any ideas for the story?**


	5. Chapter 5

__**A/N: Recap: Santana and Brittany hate each other and they also love each other. Britt has a ruler. Santana likes to measure things.**

**Shout Outs: FanaticalGleekerLover002: I would say yes to your proposal, but I've already made a serious commitment to pretend marrying another Private Messenger. Sorry, maybe next chapter?**

_"__She's my cherry pie, cool drink of water such a sweet surprise" - Warrant_

Brittany and Santana had all the hate sex until it turned into love sex. After they had sex in the nurse's office, they had sex on the football field. After sprinklers came on, they had sex in Santana's car. After they ran out of gas, they had sex in a tree. Then a squirrel scared them so they went to back to Brittany's house.

Santana stayed there all night. It didn't matter, Brittany's parents weren't home. They were both in the mob. They were always gone on mob business. That's why Brittany had to kick Jimmy Hoffa's ass that one time. Then hide his body in the river.

When they woke up from one really hot sexy tender love making session and had cuddles, Brittany thought it was time to confess. "I killed Figgens yesterday before we started having all the sex."

"Okay," Santa said. "Will you marry me? I've been stealing money to pay for your engagment ring."

"Sure. I really love you, Santana."

"I thought I hated you and then I figured out that really I hated you because I loved you. There's such a thin line between love and hate. Have you seen that movie? It wasn't very good."

"Yeah," Brittany said. "I have seen it. I thought it wasn't that bad."

"Really? Cuz I really didn't liek it."

"Maybe we should watch it 2gether then."

"Yeah."

"Maybe we shold watch it and then have sex. Or we shoudl watch it while we're having sex."

"I think we shoudl watch it both times."

"Then can we watch Friday After Next? I really liek that one."

"Yeah, but only if we can have sex while we watch it."

"OKay."

"Wait a second. I don't feel so good"

"What's wrong?"

"I think I had some bad burritos yesterday from the local taco bell" Santana says as she rushes out of the room.

"OH shit!" Brittany yells. "I hate puke. The only time I like to puke is when I'm kicking ass and I have to puke to get my strength up for more ass kicking."

Brittany hears a lot of barfing. Santana barfs for liek three hours and then she comes out and she says, "I'm not so sure it was the bean burritos, Britt-Britt!"

"What do you mean? Did we have so much sex that it made you stomack come up through you're mouth? Cause that happened to my Uncle Vito once while he was in lock up."

"I just took a home pregnancy test. Becuase I have a bunch of home pregnancy tests in my bathroom. And I think I'm pregnant."

"YOU thinNK YOU"RE PREGENT?"

"YEAH, OKAY!"

"Is it because of my 12 inch ruler?"

"NO!"

"Was it Artie? I'll kick his ass!"

"NO!" Santnaa crumples to the floor. "What am I going to do.?

"I don't think I'm ready for a baby!"

"Me either!" Santana screamed. "There's one pink line. A minus sign. And an unsmiley face!"

"Oh," Brittany says. "I think that means you're not pregnant."

"COOL!" Santana jumps off the floor. "Let's have more sex then!"

**A/N: Brittana has a lot of sexy times, right? Tehehe! ;) REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Warning: Character Death, might be a trigger, but i hope not. Everyone should be happy. I hope none of you know anyone who has died. Or like in Harry Potter, when after you see someone die, you can see Thestrals. Well actually, that would be pretty cool. What do you think?**

**Shout outs!  
**

**AlexWilliamson101 - You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love-ing my story!  
**

**GleeHooker - /.\ this is you in the house I built for you. .~ this is me grilling salmon. ...those are our kids playing in the yard. This is me telling you I've dumped the private messenger I was going to pretend marry, and now in going to pretend marry you. ;; these are my parents. They are semicolons because their souls are closer to heaven. You should meet them soon, I think they'd like you.  
**

**Guest - I feel the same way about Glee.  
**

**Naya's Boobs - You are fantastic, supple even. I'd like to get to know you both better.  
**

**BrittzTana - Due to budgetary restraints, I am unable to fulfill your request at this time. I've filed a petition with my sponsors for extra funding. Please submit another request in writing in one to three business days.  
**

_"__The honesty's too much." - Dan Hill_

Brittany and Santana celebrated their brand new engagement with a trip to the ice cream shoppe in the Lima Oaks Mall. They were both licking the same scoop of Butter Pecan when Santana got cold feet.

"Britt-Britt, I dont think I can do this anymore. You maek me feel 2 much!"

Britney took another long lick of ice cream. "fine, we can breakup if you want."

Santana agreed. "It's for the best."

"Ok."

"But now I'm sad!" Santana said with tears streaming down her face into the single scoop.

"Can we get back togethen then?" Brittany asked. She was crying too, but it was a more macho cry. She was a badass and she didn't cry unless she was cutting an onion or someone had thrown cow shit in her eye during a fight. One time she accidentally poured pickle juice in her eye. She cried then. One time at band camp when she was beating up some losers she got sprayed with salt spray. They were out of pepper. She also learned how to play the trombone.

"Yes!" Santana said threw all her tears. "I love you so much and we're engaged! I don't want to ever break up again. i don't want to break up ever. Not even if i found out you were fucking my mom up against our shed...while my dad watched and I could hear you from my open window in my bedroom. And my grandma caught you, and then stripped all her clothes and ran around naked and front-flipped into the pool in self-baptism!"

"COOL!" Brittany said shoving the ice cream in her face. "Hey, there's Tina!"

Tina Cohen-Chang was a pretty decent singer. She was even better at dressing up like a sparkly vampire and luring people to their deaths. BUt the thing she was BEST at was being a whoreface. that's really not what she wanted to be what she grew up, though. She wanted to sing in a rock band. Not just a regular rock band. An all-girl rock band. She wanted to sing while she played the synthesizer.

Just on her way from an audition with a band who already had a record deal, she heard her phone ringing from inside her giant bag. She felt around for it, and found it resting next to her little black book of clients.

It was the band.

"Hey Tina!

"Hey all girl band!"

"We want you to quitt prostituting and come sing with us. All your dreams are coming true today!"

"COOL! See you tomorrow for rehearsal then"

Tina was so excited. This was the first good thing that had ever happened to her. Ever. Everybody kind of hated her. She was an only child and her parents had intentionally adopted several dogs and gave them her room. She slept in a teepee behind the property. That's why she had to prostitute herself. She had to make money for her phone bill and condoms. She was a safety girl!

One time she thought she had gotten knocked up. BIG MISTAKE!

Everything was going so well for Tina that she decided to go to the high school auditorium and practice. She had just learned Gangham Style!

What Tina didn't know is that Brittany was also at the auditorium. She thought she had misplaced her ruler and went to find it. Turns out she didn't misplace her ruler at all. It was still in her special pocket in her special jeans. But, she did run into Mike Chang. He was waiting for his turn for the stage. He needed to practice his dancing for Mamma Mia.

"Get off the stage!" Mike yelled in anger.

"NOOOOOOO!" Tina sang.

Mike grabbed Tina roughly.

Brittany saw everything. So she went to kick his ass. Nobody touches her best whore. Except maybe the people that pay to touch her best whore.

"GET OFF HER!" Brittany yelled. "I'd suggest we take this outside, but I don't care where I kick your ass!"

"Catch me first!" Mike yelled.

"I'll catch you!" Brittany yelled.

"No!" Mike yelled.

Brittany chased him and she proceeded to hammer throw his ass right into the rafters.

Mike hit the rafters and then the rafters fell on Tina. She was beamed to death.

"Fuck!" Brittany yelled. "To the river."

Brittany sometimes wondered if she should use her powers of ass-kicking to help people, but that was boring and unrewarding. She'd much prefer this instead. Plus she always had Yodi to help him carry the bodies, she was a bad ass, but dead people are heavy.

"Maybe you should use your great strength for good, Brittany," Yodi said as they carried Tina's body.

"That's boring and unrewarding, though!"

"Your light is lighter than the darkest bits of your dark," Yodi reminded her as she swung Tina into the river.

"Don't say shit like that to me, someone might hear you. And then I'll have to beat you're ass and they're ass."

**A/N: I'm so sad that Tina died. BUT YAY Brittana got back together! REVIEW! I love getting email notifications. Makes my day! Gives me a tickle in the special place in my pants. My third pocket. ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

_"__Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." - Rick Astley_

**A/N: I recommend you listen to this song while you read the chapter! A lot of people were asking about Yodi. So, you're wait is over!**

**Shout Outs!  
**

**Naya's Boobs - I love you too. I was passing by a brassiere yesterday and thought of you. I also think of you when I'm eating melon.**

**Yolanda (This is Guest, but I've named you Yolanda because I'm more comfortable calling you Yolanda than Guest. Unless, Guest is your name. If that's the case, I'm really sorry for calling you Yolanda.) - If by hilarious you mean heartwrenching, then yes. It was laugh out loud funny. Four stars for laughs. I nearly choked on a kernel of popcorn and power spit it into the people in front of me.**

**Nighthoodies1 - I'll post when I'm good and ready! Like now, was this soon enough? I hope so. I'll post faster next time.**

**AlexWilliamson101 - Thank you. May I have another?**

**Nessa - Try an Office Max or hardware store. Possibly anywhere school supplies are sold. I'ts important that you know that Brittany's ruler is wodden. Not plastic. Using a plastic ruler could result in serious injury. Please measure responsibly. Only measure if you are 18 or older or are supervised by an adult. Measuring while pregnant could be dangerous to you or your alien baby. Note: It's only dangerous to alien babies, if your baby is human, Measure, Measure like you've never measured before. This story was inspired by The Color Purple. Not the book, play, or film. The actual color purple. The hills are alive with the color purple.  
**

**FLASHBACK**

It was two years ago when Brittany had chased Puck over to St. Veronica's Convent to kick his ass. Once she was done with him and left him in a dumpster, she remembered that one of the ministers here owed her cash.

She crept inside, through the big, thick wodden doors, and was greeted by the sounds of the choir, made up of nuns, practicing some Eminem song. A dog was sitting faithfully next to one of the nuns - looked like he was singing too. That's weird, Brittany thought.

"That's weird" She said too herself as she walked past the nuns, and straight into the confessional booth where she assumed she would find the minister.

"Bless me father for I have apparently sinned. But I don't care, because I'm going to kick your ass harder than when I beat Chuck Norris in a fair fight."

"Brittany Pierce?" the minister asked. "Is that you, you little sinner!"

"Yep, here to collect or kick some ass."

**A/N: Purple: Because black and blue need a friend.**

"We were short in the collections from Sunday service this week, I don't have your money."

"Then get ready to sing to the high Heavens, Preach."

Brittany kicked his ass. Not as hard as usual, though. She did have a concious. Kind of. Then she went back the way she came. She crept back by the choir room where the nuns were singing 99 Problems but a Devil Ain't One and she saw the singing dog again. That's so weird, she thought.

"That's so wierd," Brittany said, as she pulled out a bag of skittles from her genuine leather jacket. It was made from genuine leather.

"Hey, you there in the genuine leather jacket," a nun yelled. "Come over here."

When Brittany approached she saw that the nun had a nametag on her habit. It said Hello My Name is Sister Mary Emily.

"Hello, my name is Sister Mary Emily," the nun said. "It looks like you've taken a special interest in my talking dog."

"No, I havent. Back off or I'll kick your ass."

"What's your name?"

"Nunya bizness!"

"Fine, you don't have to tell, young lady in the genuine leather jacket."

**A/N: Purple: Bringing you closer to people who like purple.**

"How'd you know it was genuine leather?"

"Dog spelled backward is God," the small beagle said as he rubbed his nose on her leg. "Plus you're wearing it inside out and the tag clearly says genuine leather."

"I'm a nun who appreciates good leather in ANY shape or form" Sister Mary Emily said to Brittany with a wink.

"REPENT!" Yodi yelled.

Brittany jumped backwards in surprise, dropping the bag of delicious skittles everywhere, twice the number of purple ones actually. Sister Mary Emily leapt forward to help her, but tripped over and instead landed on top of her, moaning. "Is that a ruler in your pocket?"

"Why, yes it is," Brittany said. "Twelve inches of wodden ruler. Well above average."

"You shouldn't be walking around with that, you could take someone's eye out carrying measuring equipment around that big." the nun said dusting herself off.

"Sorry," Brittany said. "It's not like I shoved my ruler in your face or anything, geez."

"You should be more respectful," Yodi told the girl. "Disrespect leads to disgrace. And disgrace leads to disappointment. And disappointment leads to Hell."

"I'll kick Hell's ass, dog!"

The nun's eyes sparkled with an idea. "Yodi, maybe you should go with this young troublemaker and act as her moral compass, so that she doesn't make too much trouble. And if she does happen to stray from the straight and narrow of God's path, steal her ruler, and return it to me. I'll keep it safe."

"Straight?" Brittany yelled. "The only thing straight about me is my twelve inch ruler!"

"Yes, Sister Emily Mary," Yodi said. "I think that's a fine idea."

"NO!" Brittany yelled again. "I don't like dogs and nobody touches my ruler. There's only one person I'd ever let touch my ruler. Her name is Santana and she goes to my skool. We hate each other, but we also kind of love each other. Even though, we've never spoken yet. WE will, though. And we'll fall in love and get ingaged. And then spend all day with my ruler, because it's twelve inches long."

"How long?" Sister Emily Mary asked.

"Thirteen Inches!"

And that's how Brittany met Yodi.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Mike Chang fell down from the rafters and didn't have a scratch on him. "Whoa, he said," that was some roundhouse kick to my abs, which are rock hard and perfectly defined"

**A/N: Some people asked what happened to Mike Chang. I don't think they were really asking me, but maybe just asking in general. I took this opportunity to answer anyway. He's okay. Don't worry. Next chapter is MORE BRITTANA (that's Brittany and Santana!)! Don't forget to drop a review if you want. And you probably want.  
**

**Also, I picked up another sponsor. Purple: The lesser known female artist because P!nk takes credit for everything. Blow me one last kiss P!nk, I'm listening exclusively to Purple now!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: OMG! I made it to 20 reviews! This is so unexpected! Really, really, really unexpected! I'd like to thank my friends and family. I'd like to thank Ryno Murphenstien for shitting all over my favorite couple. I'd like to thank the man upstairs, his name is Bill in 5B, for always bringing me those tasty brownies and boxes of fajitas. It's the fuel that keeps me going. I'd like to thank Westcott for making Brittany's ruler and most the other rulers in the world.  
**

** I'm really trying to make my characters multi-dimensional, I even created small claymation versions of them so I could act out scenes. Lemme know if I'm doing a great job! Some of you said that Britt and Santana aren't being tested enough. Well...here's a test in the form of NATURE! Also it's a flash forward. That's when the story jumps forward in time, in case you didn't know.  
**

**Shout Outs!  
**

**Naya's Boobs - I think you were trying to say Pur-fecto! Which is what I say everytime I see you.  
**

**Murray (Guest) - This is my fic called Who Let the Dogs Out. It's just a simple romance/western about two girls who hate each other then love each other.  
**

**Nighthoodies1 - My goal is to make you laugh, cry, sob, chuckle, and buy me lunch. So, at least one of those things has happened.  
**

_"__I'm gonna kick some ass with my own pipe wrench." - Not Aha_

**FLASH FORWARD**

6 Months after Brittany got arrested for stealing Sue's baby. The judge was really hard on her and she got 6 months of community service. So this is after that. She's off highway duty. Yay.

"I'm off highway duty! Yay!" Brittany said to Santana as she through away her orange vest.

"Hey Britt!" Santana said. "Remember when I thought i was pregnent?"

"Yeah."

"Wasn't that hilarious!"

"Yeah, it totally was," Brittany said as the two of them walked into Breadstix where Santana was planning a surprise meet 'n' great with her mom. She really wanted Brittany, who she was engaged to, to meet her mom, whose uterus she once climbed out of.

When they got to the table, Santana jumped for joy. "BRITT! Meet my mother, Maribel Lopez! She just got back from Miami where she was working on a sound machine. Tehehe."

"Hi Maribel," Brittany said suavely. "Nice to meet you in the daylight."

"Brittany? The girl with the long, hard ruler?"

"Oh yeah..."

"Wait, do you tow no each other?" Santa asked with a curious expression.

"I've kinda already met your mom," Brittany said. "In her most intimate place. In her pants. Her vagina. If you don't know what I meant by intimate place, I meant vagina. It's very familiar."

"OH MY GOD!" Santana yelled.

"Yeah, that's what she said!"

"I very much liked your ruler, Brittany," Maribel purred, while stroking Britney's genuine leather jacket. "It was very...long."

"It's twelve inches," Brittany said.

"Were her lines as straight as mine?" Santana asked defensively. "Does she like it by the square foot."

"Baby, you know nobody handles my ruler like you do!" Brittany told her lady.

"I wish I could believe you. I thought I was the only one aloud to touch it, but it's clear you whore out your ruler just like I whore out Tina - may she rest in peace."

"Let's take a moment," Brittany said.

"I'm gonna need more than that to forgive you. We have the rest of our lives Brittany, and I need a lot of time and zero distractions to get over this"

'But I love you. And I love how much you love my ruler. You're mom was just a hot smokin' older Latina in a pencil skirt adn matching blazer in a dirty bar. You know more than anyone how I love to fuck after a good ass kicking. Your the 1 I want forever, Naya!"

Santana was not going to swayed so easily! "No Britt. I need no distractions and lots of time and some fucking breadsticks. This bitch needs to gets her eats on."

"What my lady wants, my lady gets!" Brittany declared as she rounded on the next table, a lovely elder couple, and stole the breadsticks off there table and threatened a good ass kicking if they stopped her. "Listen Grandpa, my woman needs your breadsticks! Back when I was in Korea in '53 I kicked so many asses. I'm only stronger now. Prepare for WW3, if you don't hand 'em over."

"Give 'em to her, Harry, i don't think she's kidding!"

"I paid for these fair and square, Sally!" the old man cried.

Brittany got out her ruler and slapped his hand. "Ruler said knock you out!"

Seconds later, Santana was dining on breadsticks, happy that her needs were met.

"It's about time my needs were met. This makes me happy."

"I want to make you happy by meeting your needs forever, Santana," Brittany said as she slipped her ruler into her specially designed ruler pocket of her specially designed jeans. They were specially disigned for her and her ruler. Plus denim looked great with her genuine leather jacket. Which was also specially designed for her. I bet you didn't know that yet.

"I'm still not ready to forgive you, Brittany." Santana said as she crunched on a pillow of buttery breaded goodness. There was a hint of garlic glaze that melted off onto her plate. She licked it. She loved the garlic glaze. It melted right off. "Will you see about getting me more breadsticks?"

"If you cant forgive me, i'll have to kick your ass."

"i forgive you, brittney,' santana's mom, maribel lopez, said. "i'll forgive you all night long and You can spank me with your long, wodden ruler."

"MOM! GROSS!" NOT WHILE I"M EATING BREADSTICKS!" Santana yelled. Then she stormed outside, dubbled back and grabbed her breadstick. And then stormed outside for real.

When she got outside she realized there was like a fucking huge fucking tornado coming write for her.

"OH SHIT!" she yelled. "There's like a fucking huge fucking tornado coming right for me!"

Brittany heard Santana yelling and came to see what she was yelling about, then she saw the fucking huge fucking tornado. "That's a fucking huge fucking tornado, and it's coming rite for us!"

"What are we going to do?"

"Stand behind me while i kick it's ass."

"That tornado is no Chuck Norris, Britt. It's not gonna be easy"

"Which one of us has a ruler, Santana? ME!"

"Can we please just go back to my house and fuck while we still have our lives? I forgive you for banging my mom. We're gonna die anyway"

"COOL!" Brittany said. They startted to walk back toward Santna's house, but the tornado was gaining ground...

**TBC!**

**A/N: Will the girls get swept up by the fucking huge fucking tornado? Check in next time to see. And if you dont want them to DIE, then review. No reviews, and it'll turn into a "choose your own adventure" fic. There's only one other option here, and it's not Santana's mom, Maribel Lopez...altho, if you have a ruler...**

**I'd really like to get to 22 reviews. *HINT* That means I'd like for at least three people to review.  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Spoons: They're safer than forks.  
**

**Shout Outs:  
**

**Guesty Guest - Thank you so much for your advice to "stop writing!" It was good, sound advice. I'll take it into consideration.  
**

**Guester Guester - HI! I didn't think that was mean at all. :) Thanks for the question!  
**

**SB - This was a pretty serious chapter, so I understand your distress.  
**

**Naya's Boobs - Me either. Also, I like award shows when you're front and center.  
**

**Nessa - I think it's very advisable to wait until you're of age to measure anything. If you must measure, measure in moderation.  
**

_"__Sun is shinin' in the sky. There ain't a cloud in sight." - Electric Light Orchestra_

Brittany Pierce and Santana Lopez were eating dinner in Santana's kitchen with Santana's Grandma, Alma Lopez, and her mother Maribel Lopez.

Maribel sitting opposite Brittany while they were eating dinner in the kitchen, eying off her ruler, desperate to stroke the metal edge just one more time. "Brittany, do you want to sit closer?" Maribel asked.

"No, thanks!" Brittany said. "I'm very comfortable here."

"Would you like to set your ruler on the table," Alma Lopez asked, also eying the ruler. "It must hell lugging that thing around all day."

"Nah...Hey San..?" Brittany turned and said to Santana, completely oblivious to Maribel and Almas leering.

"Yeah Britt?"

"Alma and I have our weekly poker game tonight. It's every week. Once a week usually."

"COOL!"

"It's the one night of the week I take a break from kicking ass and relax. Except that I'm still kicking ass. Even when I'm taking a brake from kicking ass. I can't help all the ass that I kick."

"Where is the game? I know it's every week, and we've been together for 6 months, since before you stole Sue's baby, and we've had absolutely nothing of interest happen since then, but I can't seem to remember where you go for your weekly poker match every week, even though you're there every week."

"It's in the back of O'Malleys"

"Liquor in the front, poker in the rear!" Alma Lopez, Santana's Grandma, mother-in-law to Maribel Lozep, future grandmother in law to Brittany Pierce said, with a wink and a hip thrust.

"OMG, Granny!" Santana said in shock.

"What?!" Alma Lopez replied. "I still got some torque in these hips, youngster!"

Sometime that week, Alma and Brittany went to their weekly poker game. It was once a week in the rear of O'Malleys. They met up with their regular poker buddies.

There was Stoner Brett from school. Brittany had a side business with him dealing with agricultural things. Mostly azaleas and stuff. Then there was Don Cheadle who you may know from such films as: Crash, Ocean's Eleven, and Hotel for Dogs. Then there was Professor McNeely who just got tenure at FAU. Then there was Eli No Thumbs Ramsey, who was one of Brittany's parents' mob friends. Even though, Britney's parents were CIA operatives who were also double agents. And then Alma Lopez, Santana's grandmother. They all played poker with each other once a week in the back of O'Malleys.

Brittany was down a lot of money to Eli No Thumbs Ramsey. It really sucked, too. But, her best whore had died in a tragic beam accident a few months before.

**FLASHBACK**

"Get off the stage!" Mike yelled in anger.

"NOOOOOOO!" Tina sang.

Mike grabbed Tina roughly.

Brittany saw everything. So she went to kick his ass. Nobody touches her best whore. Except maybe the people that pay to touch her best whore.

"GET OFF HER!" Brittany yelled. "I'd suggest we take this outside, but I don't care where I kick your ass!"

"Catch me first!" Mike yelled.

"I'll catch you!" Brittany yelled.

"No!" Mike yelled.

Brittany chased him and she proceeded to hammer throw his ass right into the rafters.

Mike hit the rafters and then the rafters fell on Tina. She was beamed to death.

"Fuck!" Brittany yelled. "To the river."

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Brittany had hoped to even the score (1000-1000) with No Thumbs, but luck wouldn't be her lady tonight. She had lost even more smackaroos.

"Damn, i just lost more smackaroos!" Brittany said when No Thumbs laid his hand with only four fingers, 2 Queens, on the table.

"Pay up!" No Thumbs gloated.

"I'm short right now," Brittany said.

"You've got that ruler, though," No Thumbs said eying Britt's ruler.

"U cant have my ruler," Brittany said. "It's my ruler. U cant have it."

"If you don't give it to me, I'll take it!"

"OH yeah," Brittany said. "With whose thumbs?"

Then, somebody walked in and plugged in a smoke machine. And they waited a few minutes, for it to steam up enough for effect.

BUT, then, with a flash of light and a short shower of confetti, the smoke machine started to work, and the swinging door that separating O'Malley's front and back, swung open. "I'm looking for Brittany Pierce," said a man dressed in matching glittery vest and tie.

Brittany thought this guy must be hot in all that wool.

"ARent you hot in all that wool?" Brittany asked.

"NO! I love the feel of wool against my pasty white skin!" he answered.

"You look like that guy at my school who is always singing and making faces like your constipated. Is that you?"

"Probably," he said. "I'm Blaine. I'm here to kick your ass."

"Fuck this shit, I'm out," Don Cheadle said. "I've been in such films as Crash, Ocean's Eleven, and Hotel for Dogs, I don't need this shit."

"See ya Don Cheadle, Loved Hotel for Dogs!" Brittany said to Don Cheadle. Then she told Blaine, "I don't need the hockey stick in my locker to kick your ass. Which is good, cause we're in the back of O'Malley's and I don't have my hockey stick because it's in my locker."

Then Brittany kicked his ass.

Then he got back up.

So, Grandma Alma Lopez, Santana's grandma, killed him with an icepick.

"Fuck Grandma!" Brittany said. "Now you'll have to go to the river with me."

**A/N: Wanky**

So then Grandma Alma Lopez, Brittany, and Yodi all took Blaine's body to the river. Brittany took his glittery vest, though. She kept trophies of all her killings. She had Figgins' Zack Morris phone, Tina's condoms, and now a glittery vest to add to her display cabinet.

**A/N: It's that time of the chapter again where you leave a review, and make me happy in my third pocket.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I'm so glad you LOVE my story! I hope you really LOVE this chapter, too. Just in case, let me tell you what has happened so far. Santana and Brittany hate each other, but they really love each other, and they're engaged. Then they broke up over ice cream, but they got engaged again. Then Santana had some whores. Brittany is a badass with a ruler. Santana and her mom and her grandma really like Britt's ruler. Then Brittany has a dog. He talks and he's from a convent. Tina's dead b/c a beam fell on her. ON WITH THE STORY.**

**Shout Outs!  
**

**Naya's Boobs - I agree. That's why I commissioned an artist to whip up a rendering of Brittana and The Ruler.  
**

**Guestford Guestenlooper - Hi.  
**

**Meow - Santana wasn't featured heavily in last chapter because of some contractual issues. Don't worry, they've been resolved. And, let's pretend date for a while and see how it goes. I've been jumping into pretend marriages really quickly lately.  
**

**NightHoodies1 (8) - Breadstix. 1 o'clock. Warning: I'll be ordering the shrimp.  
**

**NightHoodies1 (9) - Everybody wants a ruler, Nighthoodies1. Everybody. I have an extra, I'll give it to you at lunch.**

_"You are like candy girl." - The Archies_

"I'm British," Santana said, over a cup of tea, pinky high in the air. "I like things like The Clash, cucumber sandwiches, and watching royalty kiss on balconies."

"That's sounds like a whole lot of fun," Brittany said meekly. "I wish I was British, too."

"But you're not," Santana said. "If you were, I'd kick your arse, in honour of the Queen."

"Hi girls," Rachel **Faberry** said as she came in from the loo. "Sorry I took so long in the loo."

"That's okay, Rachel," Brittany said. "I'm sorry we expected you to come back sooner, when obviously you needed exactly the amount of time you were in there."

"Rachel, if you took one more second, I was prepared to come into the loo and kick your arse. Just like Prince Harry would," Santana said while nibbling on her english muffin and wearing her Union Jack babydoll tee. "Rachel, why are you here? What do you want?"

"I'll tell you what i want. What I really really want."

"So tell me what you want. What you really really want."

"I wanna, I wanna, I really really really wanna zig-a-zig ahhh."

"I'll go find you one immediately," Brittany said, hopping out of her chair. "I want nothing more than to please you milady."

"Oh, sit down you bloody bugger, we've got to get to uni." Santana said.

Santana Lopez, **Rachel Faberry, **and Brittany Pierce all left the room for the lecture that they had to go to. Because they were in university.

"Aren't you so glad we've made it to university? And together?" Rachel asked. "It's nice that we all applied ourselves to our high school education and didn't let anything distract us from finishing high school. I mean, we were always the Holy Trinity"

"I agree," Santana said. "We are the Holy Trinity, except the times I'm kicking arse."

"Yeah, I really wish you would stop the violence, Santana. It's makes me awfully uncomfortable" Brittany said to Santana, while they were waiting in the lecture hall.

"Oh shut the bloody hell up, Brittany!" Santana said. "Just because your a gentle soul who wouldn't hurt a fly. Even if the bloody thing started it."

"Okay, class!" David Martinez said. "Time for Spanish 101!"

"But I'm Brit!" Santana said. "How did I get in this class?"

"Hey!" Tina Cohen-Chang sat in the chair behind **Rachel Faberry**. "Brittany, do you have a ruler I could borrow for Spanish class?"

"I don't have a ruler!" Brittany said. "Why would you think I had a ruler?"

"I don't know," Tina said. "Hey do you guys remember when Rachel and I fell in love and everyone called us Ratina?"

**A/N: Tina is weird in this chapter... :/**

"Santana, do you know the answer to the question that I'm actually asking in Spanish?" David Martinez asked in Spanish class, for their university course. It's a university course, of course.

"Once i got acupuncture and construction mixed up. It was the only time i nailed someone without it being sexual?" Santana answered in perfectly translated Spanish.

"One time I got pinned underneath a trolley," Brittany said.

"Do you like Spanish rice?" Tina Cohen Chang asked. "Because I do."

**A/N: Told you Tina was weird.**

"Spanish rice is actually totally delish," Brittany said to her. "I have some in my backpack." She said as she went through her bag, pulling out a seemingly animated map along with the spanish rice. "Look guys! My map has something to show us! Want to go on an adventure?"

"COOL!" Tina and Santana both excitedly shouted, interuppting the lecture.

"I'm so glad we were the Holy Trinity in high school!" Tina said to both Santana and Brittany.

"Lets go!" Rachel said as she grabbed Santana and Brittany and hurridly left the lecture hall.

"Fine, go without me!" Tina said.

"Ok!" Brittany said. "If Mr. Martinez asks, tell him we went to Taco Bell."

Suddenly the three girls found themselves in a map of a magical forest following a map of a magical forest following a talking dog. It was magical, just like the map. Also like the magical forest, in which they were following a magical map.

"This is so cool! I'm so glad we were the Holy Trinity in high school!" Tina said to both Brittany and Rachel.

"Fine go without me!" Santana pouted. "Is it because I'm Britt?"

**A/N: Tina was so weird in this chapter that I had to cut it short. Sorry! Fave lines in this one? Mine was when Brittany got pinned underneath a trolley, but yours is probably different. I'd love to hear your thoughts in a nice review.. Remember how happy they make me in the pants...at night... and late at night...I also wear sunglasses at night. So does Tina, that weirdo. But it's not weird when I do it. Just when she does. Everything Tina does is weird. But it's never weird when I do things. Like when I ask for reviews. That's not weird. So review. Review twice if you want. :) And if you can't review twice, my inbox is always open ;) You're welcome to send me a PM. That's a private message. You can private message me if you want. I won't tell anyone. It's private.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: HI! I feel so bad about how long it's been since I've updated. Don't worry, though. I'm back and better than ever! Here's a brand spankin' new chapter.  
**

**Shout Outs!  
**

**marleneke2 - Winner.  
**

**Naya's Boobs - Have you seen my rough draft? I have my eye on you! I already did, but now I'm watching even closer.  
**

**Meow - Santana's British?! So, the fact the you've called off our pretend dating makes me want to pretend date you even more. Hard To Get is my fave game. I have it in board form, dice, the Jr. version, handheld, cards, and on these video game systems: Wii, Xbox, Sega, Playstation, Super Nintendo, and Atari. I prefer Atari. Joysticks.  
**

"_Janie's got a gun!" - Aerosmith_

"So how does that make you feel?" Dr. Shelby Corcoran asked Brittany.

Brittany was lying on Dr. Shelby Corcoran's couch in her office. Dr. Shelby Corcoran was a psychiatrist.

"Kicking ass makes me feel good," Brittany answered. "I love kicking ass."

"Do you think maybe you like kicking ass because you feel neglected by your parents?"

"Why would I feel neglected by my parents?" Brittany was confused by her line of quesitoning. "My parents are great parents. They're CIA operatives who are also in the mob who are also double agents shooting an HBO special. We Skype once a month. I'm like 17 and I'm a total rage case and I'm engaged to a girl that I hated and loved and now I just love and I've killed several people and I talk to a dog and I'm totally dependent on a 12 inch ruler. I'm fine."

"Can we discuss your ruler, Britney?" Dr. Shelby Corcoran asked.

"Why do we need to talk about my ruler?" Brittany reached into her special pocket in her specially designed jeans. They were designed just for her. She clutched her ruler tightly. "You can't take my ruler, Doctor Pepper."

"I'm not going to take your ruler now, Brittany," Dr. Shelby Corcoran said. "We'll work up to substituting your ruler for a shorter ruler. Then we'll make it an even smaller ruler. Pretty soon, it'll just be a one inch ruler."

"Not on your life!" Brittany sat up on the cowch. "My ruler is twelve inches. A couple chapters back, it was thirteen! I'm not settling 4 a one inch ruler!"

"Okay, settle down, Brittany," Dr. Shelby Corcoran said. Then she sang a lullaby.

The lullaby lulled Brittany to sleep. Then she woke up and her ruler was sticking straight up. "Oh, I'm so embarrassed," Brittany said. "Sometimes that happens, usually only in the morning when I'm not wearing my specially designed jeans. They were specially designed for me."

"That's okay, Brittany," Dr. Shelby Pepper said in a soothing voice. "You have a nice ruler."

"Thank you. I like the fact that's it wodden."

"Wood is good!" Dr. Shelby Corcoran said. "Is there any particular reason you carry the ruler with you at all times."

"No," Brittany said, but Dr. Shelby Pepper could see that she was remembering something important.

**FLASHBACK**

This flashback is a flashback to the time that Brittany's geometry teacher caught on fire. The only thing Brittany escaped with was her 12 inch ruler. And that's what Brittany is remembering. And it's important.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

What Brittany didn't know is as she was discussing her 12, occasionally 13, inch ruler with her psychiatrist, Dr. Shelby Corcoran-Pepper, Will and Emma were planning to ambush her outside.

See, Will knows that Santana was stealing his cash from the Saturday night cock fighting on Saturday night. Santana also knows that he knows. Brittany knows that Santana knows. Will knows that Brittany knows. Yodi knows that Will knows. **Rachel Faberry **knows that you know. Mike Chang knows that Tina Cohen-Chang died in a tragic beam accident. Emma knows how to plan an ambush because she found a pamphlet in her office left by somebody who knew how to plan an ambush.

**FLASHBACK**

"I know how to plan an ambush because of this pamphlet," Emma told Will one day as she held a pamphlet titled, 'How to Plan an Ambush!'

"I know just the person we should ambush for stealing my money!" Will said.

"Santana Lopez?"

"No!" Will yelled. "Santana Lopez is British!"

"Oh, yeah."

"Brittany Pierce!"

"Let's get her!"

**END OF FLASHBACK**

So, Emma and Will were waiting on Brittany outside.

"Are you wearing gloves?" Emma asked.

"Yes, can't you see them?"

"I'm just making sure."

When they saw Brittany leave the office, Will grabbed his shovel. "I've got a shovel," he told Emma.

"I'm standing right here, I can see your shovel, no need to say everything allowed"

"I'm just making sure," Will said. "What weapon did you bring?"

"A frying pan," Emma said. "Can't you see it in my hand?"

"Oh yeah."

Then Emma hit Brittany with a shovel.

Will dropped his frying pan, "To the river!"

**A/N: so how did everyone like this chapter? i know you're probably worried about Brittany, but you shouldn't be. i'm going to tRy to gIve you a hint abouT The next chApter. Not that You need a hInt or anything. So just relAx and enjoy alL the rest of the fIc. i'd Very much like if you'd rEview! It spells Brittany Is Alive in case you didn't know.**


	12. Chapter 13

**"I won't do that." - Meat Loaf**

**A/N: OMG! Real life has totally been kicking my ass! I'm so sorry I'm delaying so much between updates. I was updating twice a day for a little while and now just once a day!  
**

**Shout Outs!  
**

**Naya's Boobs - Motorboating? I told you in case you didn't know. You didn't know, so I told you. It's cool. :)  
**

**BrittzTana - I don't know what below means. Are you upside down?  
**

**insanedairyfarmer - You have the best name ever. Ever. Let's drink to that!  
**

**Guestley Guesterson - Okay. It's a ruler. It's long and wooden. It has numbers on it and a smooth metal edge. Sometimes Brittany measures things with it. Sometimes she keeps it in her specially designed pocket. Sometimes she uses it to kick ass. Sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes Santana holds her ruler. Sometimes Santana doesn't. Sometimes, when she's in History class, she uses her ruler to launch spit balls at the teacher. Sometimes she doesn't. The ruler's name is Stanley, but that's kind of a secret. Do you have any more specific questions about the ruler? I'll do my very best to answer them.  
**

**MegZoned - I wrote this story for all the people who had a ruler once. I'm so glad you told me. Please call 1-866-RULERPAST and talk to others who have also had rulers.  
**

**Meow - THIS FEELS LIKE A REAL BREAKUP!**

**K... Let's RECAP. I bet you don't remember everything that has happened. Santana and Brittany hate each other, but they also love each other. So much so that Santana was stealing money from Holly Holliday and Mr. Kidney's prostitution ring AND Will's Saturday night cock fights on Saturday nights to buy Brittany an engagement ring. It's beautiful too. Princess Cut and White Gold and 1 Karat. She doesn't have enough money for it yet, though. :( **

**Anyway, Brittany has a ruler. It's a 12 inch ruler. Santana's mom, Maribel Lopez, REALLY likes Brittany's ruler, but Britt's ruler is only for Santana. Actually, all the Lopez women really enjoy Britt's ruler. A lot. Including Grandma. Alma Lopez. Grandma is all kinds of wild. She killed Blaine with an icepick! Lucky she had it handy during their weekly poker games in the back of O'Malley's! Most people would have left it at home, but Alma was always taught to "Be Prepared." Just like a Boy Scout!**

**Brittany has a talking dog named Yodi. She got Yodi from Sister Mary Emily Emily Mary Sister at the convent she was chasing Puck to before she remembered there was a minister there that owed her money. Yodi is her moral compass. He says things like, "Let your heart be your guide, Brittany. Your heart will show you the way." Then Brittany usually threatens to kick his ass. She never does, though, because she loves Yodi. Yodi is her DAWG as well as her DOG.**

**Yodi even helped her take Tina's body to the river after the beam fell on her. Most people don't know that actually Tina isn't really dead. She swam to the other side of the river. Now she has amnesia, though. She thinks her name is Mercedes Jones. Tina is weird. Tina is so weird. And that explains why she wears sunglasses at night. She has the night blindness. **

**So last chapter, Emma and Will planned an ambush to get Brittany because Brittany knew about Santana's scheme to steal his money from Saturday night cock fights on Saturday night. So Brittany, dressed in her specially designed jeans with her specially designed pocket and her specially designed genuine leather jacket, which was made from genuine leather, and walked right into their trap! "It's a trap!" She happened to exclaim at the time. Not sure if you heard her though, she's generally a quiet, gentle soul really. **

**There was one chapter where Santana was British, too. But honestly, I think that was a dream that Tina/Mercedes/Rachel Faberry had while she was unconscious because I didn't even post that. I'm pretty sure somebody did it to frame me. There are people watching my house, like right now. That flower van hasn't moved for weeks. Surely the flowers would have died by now? I haven't seen anyone stealing water from anyone's front yard to water them. I'm certain they're on to me about this fic. They think I know too much. If anyone knows anything about RAY'S FLOWERS and ARRANGEMENTS please contact me immediately through a REVIEW!**

**So this is totally the end of the story, because I'm tired of writing. It's soooo taxing. BUT, I decided that just because I was tired of writing didn't mean you should be tired of reading! So I wrote THREE endings. THREE! Not one, not two, but THREE! YAY for me! So, basically you can just choose which ending you like best. This one has been so much fun to write! Definitely my favourite chapter so far, because let's face it, most of the chapters have been really shitty. BUT, this one makes me happy in the pants! Not as much as reviews do though. Reviews are the best. Reviews are like honey...Tina doesn't like reviews because she's weird.**

**Here's the first ending!  
**

Brittany had to have a brain transplant. Her CIA operative parents who were also double agents with ties to the mob and were also in the Secret Service had uncovered Will and Emma's plot to ambush her just a bit too late, but they were able to fish her out of the river with a pole and a wiggly worm.

They had never met Santana, Brittany had only send them a composite drawing of her. So, unfortunately, when they did a line-up to try to identify her, they picked out a young woman named Emily Fields to tell that Brittany had a brain transplant and was recovering in a state of the art medical facility.

Emily Fields sent Brittany a really nice edible bouquet and a game of brain teasers. The two of them became very seriously romantically involved the entire time Brittany was in her medically induced coma.

Santana, thinking she had been hadn't been identified as the culprit who masterminded a large school prostitution ring, went home to wait for Brittany's arrival.

**ONE YEAR LATER**

Six months later, Santana was kicking back checking over the numbers for her college cheerleading prostitution ring when she felt some energy on her back. She turned around to find some fug chick smiling a weird gap tooth grin at her.

"Stop smiling that weird gap tooth grin at me, Fug."

"Call me that again, and I'll kick your ass"

Santana gasped dramaticly, "AHHH! Brittany?!"

"Well I'd hope so. No other sluts better be looking at my woman. I'd kick their asses"

"Oh, Brittany," Santana sprung out of her chair, "You must have had a brain transplant and have been in a state of the art medical facility recovering!"

"Obviously. There's no other logical explaination to my sudden appearence!"

"I've got just the thing for this," Santana said as she reached under her cheerleading top and pulled out a microphone. A band, complete with synthesizer playing Tina **(A/N: I play the synthesizer in my spare time)**, materialized and the music for Cher's hit If I Could Turn Back Time filled the library.

Santana lifts the mircrophone, which still has the athletic tape on it, to her mouth. She blows into it a few times disrupting the librarian who comes to tell her to stop this madness, but Brittany kicks her ass.

"This is for Brittany. The girl I'm engaged to. (They got engaged in Chapter Five after they had all the sex. Santana was like, I love you will you marry me. And first Brittany was like, I don't know girl. I'll have to think about it. It's just a big decision and we're so young. Lemme talk to my CIA operative parents and make an informed decision. But then she said fuck all that and she would totally marry Santana) and who just got her brain transplanted into some fug chick. I can overlook the mug, babe. cuz i love you, even though i hated you before (Santana and Brittany hated each other. Then they loved each other. Now they're engaged. But then they got separated after an ambush. Now Brittany's brain is transplanted into some fug chick) and now i want to dedicate this song to you. It's a Cher song. You should listen to it, while I sing it."

_If I could turn back time_  
_If I could find a way I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay_

Brittany got a ribbon and also did an interpretative dance with Santana's grandmother, Alma Lopex, who happened to visit the Louisville University Library on a regualr basis.

_I don't know why I did the things I did I don't know why I said the things I said_  
_Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside_  
_Words are like weapons they wound sometimes._

Then she kicked the librarian's ass again after she protested Santana's beautiful song again. Alma Lopez also killed her with an icepick, and Yodi dragged the body away with a butchers hook.

_I didn't really mean to hurt you I didn't wanna see you go I know I made you cry, but baby_

Maribel Lopez, Santana's mother, danced closely to Brittany, trying to pull her ruler out of her pocket.

_If I could turn back time_  
_If I could find a way_  
_I'd take back those words that hurt you_  
_And you'd stay_  
_If I could reach the stars_  
_I'd give them all to you_  
_Then you'd love me, love me_  
_Like you used to do_

_If I could turn back time_

"Ladies and gentlemen," Santana said as she jumped up on the table she so happened to be studying numbers at, "Cher!"

Cher sings this part with her own microphone taped to her underboob.

_My world was shattered I was torn apart_  
_Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart_  
_You walked out that door I swore that I didn't care_  
_But I lost everything darling then and there_

Sailors have filled the room and stand around the two tables that the ladies were standing atop of and are cheering and cursing while they sing.

_Too strong to tell you I was sorry_  
_Too proud to tell you I was wrong_  
_I know that I was blind, and ooh..._

All the sailors take part in Alma Lopze and Brittany's interpretative dance, as they all happen to have ribbons. Sailors always have ribbons. You never know when a sailor is going to need a ribbon. They issue them ribbons, I bet you didn't know that.

_Ooohh_

_If I could turn back time_  
_If I could turn back time_  
_If I could turn back time_  
_ooh baby_

**Rachel Faberry **pulls out her golden sparkly microphone and joins in for the next part.

_I didn't really mean to hurt you_  
_I didn't want to see you go_  
_I know I made you cry_  
_Ooohh_

All three singing ladies sway.

_If I could turn back time_  
_If I could find a way_  
_I'd take back those words that hurt you_  
_If I could reach the stars_  
_I'd give them all to you_  
_Then you'd love me, love me_  
_Like you used to do_

Blaine Warbler jumps onto the table, and Cher knocks him the fuck out before singing louder.

_If I could turn back time (turn back time)_  
_If I could find a way (find a way)_  
_Then baby, maybe, maybe_  
_You'd stay_

_Reach the stars_  
_If I could reach the stars _

**A/N: Don't you just love a completely random musical number where everyone has a part prepared and it all works seamlessly, even though neither knew the other knew about it? **

After the song finishes, and the lights fade back to their normal level after dramatically going out at the end of the song, everyone looks around, realizes they no longer have business in the library and awkwardly file out, with the sailors helping Cher and the suddenly naked Alma Lopez, Santana's grandmother, crowd-surf all the way out the open doors. **Rachel Faberry **is the last one to leave.

"I can overlook the mug, babe but lose that hat and get some new clothes, for fucks suck. I will dump you over that shit," Santana tells Brittany.

Then Britt pulls out her specially designed jeans and genuine leather jacket out of her back pocket. "Is this better?"

"Brittany, you haven't changed since the moment I saw you and hateloved you. You look exactly the same!"

"Shuttup Santana and kiss me, before I kick your ass"

Then Santana made out with the leggy blonde and she looked into her sky, royal, navy, midnight, bleu de France, Air Force, medium, non photo, indigo, color green short of purple orbs. She was practically swimming in all the periwinkle, iris, powderness of them. Her eyes were deep as ocean blue. Or one of these shades: Dodger, Alice, Egyptian, Azure. They had swirls of any one of these colors: Cornflower, Ultramarine, Turquoise. Basically, they were blue as fuck.

/

**A/N: If for some reason you didn't like that one, here's another one!**

Britteny slowly pulled herself out of the river. Tired from being ambushed by Will and Emma after her therapist session with Dr. Shelby Cocoran-Pepper. She'd been thrown into the trunk of Will's shit-heap car forced to listen to the sound of the muffler dragging along the road to the river. She played dead so that she could plot her revenge on him. Despite knowing every bump and turn on that road she could never remember it being this long. Her ruler was itching to see some action. It was fourteen inches long and woodne.

Finally she was dumped in the river.

Thirty minutes later, Brittany slowly pulled herself out of the river. She was tired. Not only from the emotional journey from the therapist session and the betrayal of Wil and Emma, but she had wrestled a crocodile while in the river. He had been eying her ruler, which irked Brittany enough, but then he snapped and almost broke her crocodile tooth necklace from one of the previous times she'd been in the river. She then claimed one of his teeth as her own to add to the necklace. She had realized that it was the very same crocodile from before. She named the crocodile Sam, for trying to claim something that wasn't his.

After eventually reaching the shore after re-living and re-hashing her emotional AND physical journey, she seez her phiance waiting by the sea - shore.

"There's my phiance waiting by the sea - shore after my emotional AND physical jurney!" Brittany said to Sam, the alligator.

Sam grunted and swam back into the depths of the river, after Brittany had surfed him to the shoreline.

"S'up?" Santana asked the leggy blonde with oceanic blue eyes, with swirls of cornflower.

"Not much. S'up with you?"

"Chillin. Killin. Blood spillin. Drug Dealin. Pussy feeling. The usual, you know how it is."

"Yeah, gurrl. I totally know how that shit goes. Where you going after this?"

"Home. I've had this damn microphone taped to my underboob for a week and the tape is starting to chafe"

"Yeah? I needed to pick up some things at the store. Maybe we can meet back at your house or something?"

"Can you get pancake mix?"

"I was going to already. I know you so well. I'm also going to grab some peanut butter and jelly. Do you have bread?"

"No, I don't think so. My grandma, Alma Lopez eats it like candy when she gets the munchies."

"COOL! I'll get two loaves of bread then. One for PB and J and one for Alma Lopez, your grandmother. She still smoking? For her glaucoma?"

"Yeah. She's got the medical certificate and everything"

"That's awesome! Hey, can you take my ruler? I've got to have room in my specially designed pocket to stuff a bunch of skittles in there."

"You want me to take your ruler?"

"Yeah, go ahead and take my ruler."

"Are you sure you want me to take your ruler?"

"Of course I want you to take my ruler."

"What if you have to measure something?"

"I'll use my backup ruler. It folds up."

"You've just made my day. I feel the trust between us is strong when you let me handle your ruler on my own."

"I trust you with my ruler. I hated you, then I loved you, then we got engaged, and now I think it's time you handle my ruler even when I'm not around."

"That escalated quickly."

"We're not on an escalator, but if you mean that you're glad that I'm letting you lick my ruler later, then yes."

"I'm glad you've realized this is the next logical step in our relationship. Especially because I hated you, and then loved you, then we got engaged."

"Logically it's the only way we can go from here. Let's eat PB & J while you lick my ruler."

"I'd love to."

"OK. Can you give me a lift to the grocery store? My car is still at the therapists after I got ambushed"

"Yeah sure."

"So we need pancake mix, bread, pb & j, doritos for grandma, your grandmother Alma Lopez, and skittles."

"And milk."

"Oh, and tampons. My calender says tomorrow for you."

"Phew. So glad you're on top of that."

"It's hard not to be on top of it when you get so grumpy."

"Speaking of 'Grumpy Santana', can you wipe your feet before you get in the car. I washed it yesterday. I already pulled out a blanket for you to sit on."

"Wipe my feet?! I just got thrown into a river. Shit, gurl. And I just let you handle my ruler."

"I think you underestimate how hard it is to get these carpets clean. I'm not sure why it's so difficult to understand I don't want river-shit all through my car."

"I'll take it to the carwash myself. I have quarters for the ultra power vacuum."

"You think I can't afford to take it there myself again?!"

"Everything's always about money with you! Why can't I afford this? Why don't you make more? Why can't I get the expensive tampons! I need the plastic applicator!"

"Well, we need to watch our finances. I'm still running the whore ring and you've got your whore ring, but Tina's occasionlly dead. That's like 75% of my income."

"What about Saturday night cock fights on Saturday nights? Now that Will's dead because Tina killed him, you should get all that money."

"Oh yeah. COOL! Hey, let's spring for pizza then."

"Oh you know how to spin the tables. Can we get extra bacon?"

"Let's not go too crazy.."

"Come on, just one time!?"

"Just one time turns into all the time pretty darn quickly, now doesn't it, Brittany? Remember the 'just one time' you wanted to do that thing on the balcony?"

"Which time?"

"Exactly, Brittany. Exactly my point!"

"Oh, but don't I make you feel good, San? We don't have sex enough."

"We would have more sex if you're feet weren't so damn cold. I'd be warmer in an igloo, having crazy sex with a popsicle."

"My feet?"

"Yeah, as it turns out, wearing socks in bed might actually turn me on. Try it next time."

"I'll be wearing socks on the fucking couch then! Fuck you Santana. My feet are not cold. Your hands are cold. It feels like ice cubes being shoved into my vag. Damn, makes me want to kick your hands' ass!"

"My hands could use a worthy opponent every once in awhile."

"NO, You DIDENT!"

"Yeah. You read that correctly!"

"I can't believe you typed that! What a bitch! Just for that I'm not getting pancake mix. And BTW, tell your mom to stop checking out my ruler. It makes me uncomfortable."

"You've always got to bring my mother into this! Maybe if you hadn't fucked her against the shed, you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable!"

"I fuck a lot of people, San. How was i supposed to know the smokin' Latina broad in the pencil skirt was your mom?"

"You better make that past tense!"

"Fucked!"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"And since you want to talk about my mother, let's talk about yours!"

"What about mine?"

"Why haven't I met your parents? Are you ashamed of me?"

"We've been together for an indeterminable amount of time. That will happen when it happens!"

"It should happen like NOW!"

"You know what their schedule is like, Santana. They don't have time to do the groceries, let alone meet my fiance for one night."

"I know they're CIA operatives and also double agents, and shooting a film, and have ties to the mob, but I would really like it if just maybe they could sit down and have an english muffin with me, okay? I AM marrying their daughter."

"You think I wouldn't like that too? I'd like a lot of things, Santana, but we can't all have a dream life in which we just kick everybody's asses that we want. And then get the girl. And then walk off into the sunset with PB & J sandwiches. This is reality!"

"Get out!"

"NO!"

"Okay."

"COOL!"

"Can we discuss your talking dog?"

"NO!"

"Okay."

"COOL!"

"Soooo, supermarket?"

"Yeah, I have to get some Skittles..."

/

**A/N: Still love me so much you want more?**

When Brittany woke up in the hospital after getting hit in the head with a shovel in an ambush, she was pretty pissed.

"I'm pretty pissed," Brittany said as she ripped out all the needles and sticky medical pad looking things.

"Whoa there, Brittany," Yodi said from her bedside. "Think of the consequences of your actions."

"What happened?" Brittany asked her DAWG, who was also her dog. "Did I get ambushed?"

"You did, but then I got to you before they could take you to the river."

"How did you do it?"

"I dragged you behind my skateboard," Yodi said. "How the fuck else would I have done it?"

"Of course, I don't know what I was thinking." Then Brittany had a thought. "Oh, shit, I just had a thought. Where's my ruler."

She padded around until she found it in a specially designed pocket on her hospital gown.

"Don't worry, Alma Lopez, Santana's grandmother, sewd you a specially designed pocket for you ruler on your hospital gown."

"If I didn't love Santana, and I hadn't already banged Maribel Lopez, Santana's mother, which caused Alma Lopez, Santana's grandmother to jump into a pool in self-baptism, I would totally let her stroke my ruler...like all night long. And well into the next day. Stroking...my ruler."

"That's pretty gross, Brittany."

"Yeah, it was. Don't tell anybody I said that."

"I'm totally going to tell!" the patient in the next bed said. "I'm calling her now!"

"Dammit!" Brittany groaned. "I'm going to have to kick your ass!"

"AKDSJFE OAJIDFJS! I would love it if you kicked my ass!" the girl said. "OMFG, kick my ass!"

Brittany was confused. "Well if you're asking me to, it's not as much fun anymore."

"No, I want you to!"

"NO!" Brittany refused.

"Please kick my ass!"

"Fine, I'll kick you ass, but I won't like it."

After the ass kicking, Brittany and her new pal, Chicken Little, slapped hands and talked measuring before she set off to find Santana, the girl she was engaged to. She hated her, then loved her.

"I'm off to find the girl I'm engaged to," Brittany said and she left in her specially pocket hospital gown, showing her ass to everyone. It was ripe for kicking, but she wasn't scared. A little cold, but not scared.

She found Santana waiting in the waiting room, which is a room specifically designed for people to wait in. Wisely named, when you think about it.

Santana looked at Brittany from across the room and stood. Their eyes met. One of them has blue eyes that are bluer than all the blues mixed together and then separated for average blueness. The other one had eyes the color of brown that only milk chocolate could challenge. They both saw each other, through their eyes, and their respective eye colors.

"That's my fiansay!" Santana said to an older lady sitting in the waiting room. She pointed to Brittany. "Doesn't she have the bluest eyes you've ever seen?"

"No," the old lady said. "They're just regular ol' blue."

Then music started to play. The two girls took that as a cue to start a slow motion run toward each other in slow motion. Brittany held out her arms. Santana did the same. It was everything a reunion should be until Santana tripped over the old woman's cane.

"Oh shit," Brittany said when she took the three steps to Santana. "Are you alright?"

"OMG, I haven't run with my new knockers yet!"

"Is that what's different? I thought you're eyes were more brown. Or you had new shoes on. Or maybe you had a ruler in your pocket."

"No, that's you!"

"Oh yeah, well, I think you may have broken your leg. I'm not a doctor, but I've played one in a movie."

"Yep, I totally broke my leg," Santana said as she shoved a bone back in. "Don't think I need any x-rays or a second opinion"

"Doctors are quacks and the duck's in the hat, baby!"

"True."

"Well, this is convenient since I'm in the hospital, too. We can share a double room."

"COOL!"

So then they shared a double room and swapped jello during their one night stay in the hospital. Brittany pulled out her flight sized vodka bottle from her specially designed inner jacket pocket from her genuine leather jacket that was made specifically for holding vodka in flask and/or flight sized bottles and they had jello shots. It was the most romantic evening. They watched reruns of The A Team on their hospital television because Brittany was a huge fan of Mr. T. She pitied the fool.

Then Santana and Brittany got married and had babies named Pterodactyl & Rulabella.

**A/N: Don't forget to leave a review! Tell me what you're favorite ending was...Not like I'll do anything with that information at all. I'll keep a tally, though. So, please review a lot so I have a lot of little hashmarks to make on my tally sheet.  
**


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